I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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