I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
