the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I just googled if crying burns calories
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
3 2 1 whiskey
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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