you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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