i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
