The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
