just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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