Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
