What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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