I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
