You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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