Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
