Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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