Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
