My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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