God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Pants 0. Shit 1.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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