i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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