Apparently you make a good broom.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Randomize
