I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
