i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
