I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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