he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
