from now on my penis is your penis
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Shame - the story of my life.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
