I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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