my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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