I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
