running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
God, I missed his penis.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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