Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
