Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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