Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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