we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
