it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
