dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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