i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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