we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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