I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
