Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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