did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
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