I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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