ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Randomize
