So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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