Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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