dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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