Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
