oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Slut skills are useful in every country.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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