yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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