Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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