Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
My feet surprised me
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
