there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Woke up backwards on a recliner
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
