Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
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Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize