One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
