why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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