Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
