peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
