I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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